Online safety monitoring poses an ethical dilemma for many parents. The question often arises about how to balance a child's right to privacy with a parent or guardian's responsibility to protect them in the digital world.
Is parental safety monitoring is equivalent to spying, or a necessary measure in an increasingly risky online world? For many the answer lies in finding a well-communicated middle ground to ensure safety while respecting a child's growing need for independence.
Apps such as Joey can provide a way to monitor a child's online activity without needing to read every message. It uses AI monitoring to show red, yellow and green flags to provide an overview of a child's online interactions.
Joey was created by Australian tech CEO Grant Callaghan who was unable to find an existing solution to help keep his son safe online.
He believes parents and guardians have a duty to protect their kids from online danger and wanted to create an easy, and less intrusive, way for that to happen.
Monitoring apps, location tracking and social media checks can help parents intervene before harm occurs. Young children lack the experience to recognise when there is a potential danger. Apps such as Joey, combined with parental controls, can help protect against cyberbullying, inappropriate content, scams and even predators.
Modern day threats are often digital and not always visible to parents/guardians when a child is online unsupervised. Monitoring can provide information to help parents/guardians teach children responsible digital behaviour and alert to issues.
To some kids, especially teenagers, over-monitoring and harsh restrictions can feel like a breach of trust and a barrier to the opportunity to build their independence.
Psychologists warn that if children feel they are not trusted, they may become more rebellious or find ways to bypass restrictions and potentially put themselves at greater risk.
To strike a balance, parents and guardians need to communicate clearly about online risks. They need to be transparent about what monitoring will take place and work to agree boundaries with their child. They also need to let them know that in some circumstances, the need for safety may override a child's right to privacy.
Younger kids need stricter controls, while teenagers may benefit from regularly reviewed and negotiated rules. By implementing these boundaries, you can potentially avoid needing to read private messages unless there is a clear safety concern.
Joey was created to help parents and guardians safely navigate their child's online world. Learn more here.
Why "monitoring" and "spying" feel different
Parents use the terms interchangeably, yet teens draw a sharp line between the two. During the 2024 parent focus groups we ran for Joey, kids said they feel spied on when:
- They discover tools after the fact. Surprise monitoring undermines trust even if the intentions were protective.
- The data is stored forever. Teens worry private jokes or crush talk will be catalogued and judged later.
- "Reading my phone" Kids worry what parents will discover (and use against them) if parents are just plain reading their conversations. Wonder why kids love Snap??
In contrast, the same teens described monitoring as acceptable when:
- They were invited into the setup conversation and could ask questions.
- They understand that Joey is there to protect them.
- They acknowledge that they, in my case, they are 12 and can't possibly know about all the dangers the internet and apps expose them to.
- The scope was clearly defined (e.g., "We only review alerts about bullying, strangers, or money requests").
- The family had agreed check-ins about what is working and what feels intrusive.
Framing the difference this way gives you language to talk about intentions: "We are installing this together because your safety matters". Instead of "We bought this because we do not trust you." This isn't about the classic reading a child's private diary, it is actually about providing a way for our kids to earn trust and be given more freedom.
Start with the family's values
Before you install a tool like Joey, have a chat and explain the problems you are trying to solve. It is totally fine to confess that you are worried, and a great outcome would be for a tool like Joey to tell the parent: 'Hey, there is nothing to worry about.' e.g. no alerts. Common values include:
- Safety: catching bullying, grooming, or self-harm concerns early.
- Respect: showing that your child has a voice in the process.
- Skill building: helping them recognise red flags themselves, not just delegating everything to software.
Translate those values into two or three family principles. Example:
- We protect against serious harm by reviewing alerts together.
- We respect private conversations about friendships unless an alert shows a risk.
- We check in every school term to adjust the plan as you earn more trust.
When teens see the logic up front, they are more likely to cooperate even when they disagree with a decision.
Grant's PoV:
- If I give you an iPhone, you need some form of anti-virus.
- It is my job to ensure you are safe on the internet - you are not entitled to run wild on social media as a 12 year old, even if your friends don't have some controls.
- I actually want you to be communicating with your friends, I don't want to just ban app's because I have no idea if you are safe
Design a transparent monitoring plan
A balanced plan usually includes four pillars:
1. Explain the "why" in plain language
Set aside time, ideally before there is a crisis, to talk about real scenarios you worry about. Use recent news stories or school incidents to make it concrete. A sample script:
"I know you value your independence, and I want to respect that. I also know scammers and strangers are getting better at pre tending to be classmates. I am not here to read every joke, but I need a way for us to catch major issues quickly." In our case, we discussed some very real scenarios. Not to scare my son, but educate him about some very real threats.
2. Agree on the "what"
Map out the signals you plan to monitor. Joey's Smart Alerts cover areas like bullying, suspicious contacts, money/gift requests, and personal information sharing. Decide whether you will review every alert, only severe ones, or just patterns that repeat. Write it down so there are no surprises later.
3. Document the "when"
Set checkpoints (monthly, once a term, or after milestones like a first job) to evaluate whether monitoring can be scaled back. Teens appreciate knowing the guardrails are not permanent.
Discussing these safeguards shows your child their dignity matters as much as safety.
Co-create digital house rules
A "family tech charter" turns ideas into practice in our house we call these the 'Ground Rules'. Consider including:
- Onboarding checklist: When your child starts using a new app, you review privacy settings together and add it to the monitored list if needed.
- Escalation flow: Outline what happens if Joey flags a severe alert-who you talk to first, when you involve school staff, and how you document conversations.
- Restoration plan: Mistakes happen. Note the steps for restoring trust if someone breaks the agreement (e.g., extra check-ins for a fortnight, written apology, or specific coaching).
Store the charter somewhere visible-on the fridge, in the Joey dashboard, or in a shared notes app-so everyone can refer back to it.
Build skills, not fear
Monitoring should lead to coaching moments, not just alerts. Pair every insight with a growth conversation:
- Role-play tough situations. Practise responses to scenarios like money solicitations, slur-filled group chats, or someone sharing a private photo. I find in a drive to school or home, discussing one of these scenarios is a great time for these chats. The other day we talked about situations where classmates are sharing embarrassing videos of another student and the conversation really took off.
- Teach digital empathy. Help your child recognise when classmates might feel excluded and how to support peers being targeted.
- Celebrate wins. When your teen brings you a concern proactively, praise the behaviour. Positive reinforcement keeps the communication channel open.
How Joey keeps the balance
Joey was purpose-built to respect privacy boundaries while surfacing real risks:
- Signal-based alerts: Instead of providing full message logs, Joey highlights the trigger (e.g., "money request," "slur detected") with minimal context so you can coach without snooping. Seriously it is less about snooping, and much more about having an intelligent agent do the work for you - these kids have 10's of thousands of messages. It is literally the pivotal moment that got me to create Joey - there is no way I can regularly review thousands of messages.
- Parent-controlled redaction: You choose whether to reveal more of the conversation or mark the issue resolved.
- Cross-channel education: Feature hubs and articles (including the money-request guide and bullying resources) offer conversation starters so you can respond constructively.
Further reading and internal links
- Explore Joey's Smart Alerts feature to see the categories and privacy protections described above.
- Read our deep dive on handling money requests in teen chats to practise supportive scripts.
- Share this article with caregivers or co-parents so everyone applies the same guardrails.
Balancing safety and privacy is not about choosing one over the other, it is about designing a system that adapts as your child grows. Transparent conversations, well-chosen tools, and regular check-ins make monitoring feel like partnership instead of policing.
