Kids are growing up in a world where phones, apps, and social media are as normal to them as riding a bike was for us. As parents and guardians, we want to give them independence, but we also need to set ground rules that keep them safe, responsible, and aware of the risks online.
In our home, we've created a clear set of digital ground rules for our 12-year-old son, Francis. The outcome we are aiming for (with his buy-in) is that these rules feel fair and help him earn trust by proving he can use technology wisely and navigate the digital world without getting lost in it.
Go deeper: If you're curious about what apps kids are actually using these days, check out Survey: What social media and messaging apps are 12-13-year-olds using?.
Here are the ground rules we have put in place. What works for us might work for your family, too.
Related survey: We also conducted a survey to understand what parents and guardians most want to know about their kids' online world. The results were fascinating and directly influenced our approach. See Top five things parents/guardians want to know about their kid's online world.
First we will list a summary of the rules, and then details on them and why we set them. For insights on managing screen time specifically, see Screen Time basics in our iPhone safety guide.
Ground rules summary
- The phone is not yours - it's a privilege. Let's get one thing straight: parents own the phone. Kids get to use it as long as they follow the rules and earn trust.
- Screen time limits (and yes, we enforce them!). We agree on screen time based on school vs. holidays, then use Screen Time and app limits to enforce it.
- No phones in bedrooms (including friends!). Bedrooms are for sleep, devices are out. Friends' phones stay in the common area too.
- Earning trust = more freedom. Digital freedom isn't automatic - it's earned.
- Social media: limited and monitored. Limited social media with monitoring and approval for new contacts.
- Digital conversations are required. Online safety starts with open conversations about what's happening in your digital world.
- No personal information ever. Never share personal details online that strangers or criminals could use.
- Be careful who you hang with, online and offline. We help steer away from bad influences, even if they seem "cool."
The ground rules (detailed)
1. The phone is not yours - using it is a privilege
Let's get one thing straight: parents and guardians own the phone. Kids get to use it as long as they follow the rules and earn trust.
Our rules:
- The phone is primarily a tool for communication, safety, schoolwork, and staying in touch with friends.
- Fun is allowed, but it's a secondary reason you have a phone. We understand that after a long day, we all need some downtime.
- You are not entitled to a phone or social media. Access is earned by being a good family citizen: do chores, homework, practice, and be respectful.
Why this rule matters: Kids often see their phone as "theirs." Setting the expectation early that a phone is a privilege, not a right, makes it clear that parents and guardians have the final say.
What about privacy? This is a debatable topic. Our first role as parents is to ensure safety, that means we will at times need to know what's going on in our child's online world. Do children even have privacy as a legal right? Not in most jurisdictions. If something unsafe is going on, we have total rights, and are expected, to check their phones.
2. Screen time limits (and yes, we enforce them!)
We don't want our kids glued to their screens all day. We use app limits and Downtime Screen Time settings (Apple and Google) to limit usage and set restrictions. See Screen Time basics in our iPhone safety guide.
Our screen time rules:
- Downtime: 7:45pm - 7:30am (no phone use)
- App limits:
- Games and entertainment: 15 mins/day
- Messaging apps (Snap, iMessage, WhatsApp): 20 mins/day
- All other apps: 15 mins/day
- Contact limits: only trusted contacts. We can remove any contacts at our discretion. Using Joey.ai, we get alerts about new contacts if they somehow evade our Apple, Google, Microsoft, and EpicGames parental controls. This prompts a conversation: who is this person, are they real, and how do you know this isn't an imposter account?
- Requests for extra time: if you need more time, think before you ask - is it for something productive, or have you had enough screen time?
Parental controls we use:
- Apple Family
- Google Family Link
- Life360
- Microsoft Family Safety
- Epic Games Parental Controls
- Joey AI for online use and message monitoring
- Note: we don't use Wi-Fi controls.
Other enforcement:
- We can lock the phone remotely anytime using parental controls.
- We review screen time regularly to see what's working and what needs adjusting. Asking for additional screen time is totally fine - that's why the request feature is there.
3. No phones in bedrooms (including friends!)
Our rules:
- No phones in the bedroom overnight.
- If friends visit, their phones stay in the common area too.
- Bedrooms should be for sleep, not endless scrolling or late-night messaging.
Why this rule matters: Screens in bedrooms lead to kids staying up too late, secretive social media use, and unhealthy sleep patterns. Setting this rule early avoids battles later.
4. Earning trust = more freedom
Your digital freedom isn't automatic - it's something you earn.
Our rules:
- If you follow the rules, you earn more privacy and flexibility.
- If you break the rules, restrictions tighten until trust is rebuilt.
- You are responsible for chores, homework, sports, piano practice, and looking after the dog. You can use your phone after you get your work done.
This is at the heart of how we parent. We don't want to ban things we fear. We teach our kids to navigate their world as responsbile thinkers.
5. Social media: Limited and monitored
Our rules:
- Only Snapchat (monitored). We are likely to ask Francis to remove Snapchat, mostly because the messaging on it is ridiculously silly... more on this later.
- No TikTok.
- New contacts must be approved by us - you can't just add random people.
Adding new friends:
- Tell us who they are.
- Be certain it's your real friend and not a fake account.
- If we think a contact is unsafe, they're gone.
Why this rule matters: Kids don't fully understand the risks of strangers online. Many predators disguise themselves as kids. We trust our kids, but we don't blindly trust people on the internet.
6. Digital conversations are required
Online safety starts with open conversations. Discussing what's going on digitally in your world is a requirement. These discussions are education on the dangers that are online, how to navigate tricky situations, how to keep safe - and what to let us know about.
Our rules:
- You must talk to us about what's going on in your digital world. We will ask questions, you provide the answers.
- If something feels off, unsafe, or confusing, bring it to us - we won't judge, we'll help.
- We have regular check-ins about digital life just like we do about school or sports.
Why this rule matters: The more comfortable kids feel talking about online life, the safer they are. We don't want to hear about problems after they've spiraled. Don't assume we parents and guardians don't understand or can't help. We can always find a solution together.
7. No personal information ever
Our rules: Never share:
- Your full name, address, school, phone number, or passwords.
- Any personal details that a stranger or criminal could use.
- Never send money or accept gifts online - tell us immediately if someone asks.
Why this rule matters: Identity theft, scams, and online predators rely on kids being too trusting.
8. Be careful who you hang with - online and offline
You are going to meet so many great kids at school and sports. Some kids are going to seem really cool and exciting and friendships start easily. Not all of these kids are going to be good influences. It's our job as parents and guardians to steer you away from kids that will lead to concerning situations.
Our rules:
- We will steer you away from bad influences - even if they seem "cool."
- Some kids may act nice in person but are reckless in group chats and gaming communities.
- If we say someone isn't a good friend for you, trust that we have a reason.
How to tell if a friend is a bad influence online:
- They send mean, risky, or inappropriate messages.
- They encourage rule-breaking or secrecy.
- They pressure you to act differently online than in person.
Why this rule matters: Online peer pressure is just as dangerous as real-life peer pressure. Some kids may push boundaries in chats, gaming, and social media in ways that lead to serious problems.
Final thoughts: Rules = freedom (if you follow them!)
Rules aren't about controlling our kids - they're about guiding them into making good choices online.
What to remember:
- Trust is earned, not given.
- The phone is a privilege, not a right.
- We are here to help, not just to punish.
- The more responsibility you show, the more freedom you gain.
Would love to hear from other parents and guardians - what rules have worked in your home? Let's help each other navigate the digital world together.
