In our home, we've created a clear set of digital ground rules for our 12-year-old son.
Our kids are growing up in a world where phones, apps and social media are as normal to them as riding a bike was for us. As parents/guardians, we want to give them independence, but we also need to set ground rules that keep them safe, responsible and aware of the risks online.
In our home, we've created a clear set of digital ground rules for our 12-year-old son, Francis. These aren't just random restrictions - they're designed to help him earn trust, use technology wisely and navigate the digital world without getting lost in it. If you're curious about what apps kids are actually using these days, check out our article on what social media and messaging apps 12-13-year-olds are using.
Here's what works for us and what might work for your family, too. We also conducted a survey to understand what parents/guardians most want to know about their kids' online world - the results were fascinating and directly influenced our approach.
First we will list a summary of the rules, and then details on them and why we set them. For insights on managing screen time specifically, see our guide on what screen time settings we use in our family.
Ground rules summary
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The phone is not Yours - it's a privilege Let's get one thing straight: parents/guardians own the phone. Kids get to use it as long as they follow the rules and earn trust.
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Screen time limits (and yes, we enforce them!) We don't want our kids glued to their screens all day. We use app and Downtime Screen Time settings (Apple and Google) to limit usage and set restrictions.
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No phones in bedrooms (including friends!) Bedrooms should be for sleep, not endless scrolling or late-night messaging.
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Earning trust = more freedom Your digital freedom isn't automatic - it's something you earn.
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Social media: limited and monitored Limited social media with monitoring and approval for new contacts.
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Digital conversations are required Online safety starts with open conversations. Discussing what's going on digitally in your world is a requirement.
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No personal information ever Never share personal details online that strangers or criminals could use.
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Be careful who you hang with-online and offline We will help steer you away from bad influences, even if they seem 'cool'.
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The phone is not yours- using it is a privilege Let's get one thing straight: parents/guardians own the phone. Kids get to use it as long as they follow the rules and earn trust.
Our rule:
- The phone is primarily a tool for communication, safety, schoolwork, and staying in touch with friends.
- Fun is allowed, but it's secondary-not the main reason you have a phone. We do understand, that just like us, after a long day getting our work done, we need some downtime, that's cool.
- You are not entitled to a phone or social media. Access is earned by being a good family citizen - do your chores, homework, practice and be respectful.
Why this rule matters: Kids often see their phone as 'theirs'. Setting the expectation early that a phone is a privilege, not a right, makes it clear that parents/guardians have the final say.
- Screen time limits (and yes, we enforce them!) We don't want our kids glued to their screens all day. We use app and Downtime Screen Time settings (Apple and Google) to limit usage and set restrictions. You can see our article on how we configure these settings with Apple's Screen Time settings here.
Our screen time rules:
- Downtime: 7:45pm - 7:30am (no phone use)
- App limits: Games and entertainment: 15 mins/day Messaging apps (Snap, iMessage, WhatsApp): 20 mins/day All other apps: 15 mins/day
- Contact limits: Only trusted contacts-we can remove any contacts at our discretion. And using Joey.ai, we get alerts about new contacts (if they somehow evade our Apple, Google, Microsoft, and EpicGames parental controls). This prompts a conversation between us and Francis: who is so and so, are they real, how do you know this isn't an imposter account?
- Requests for extra time: If you need more time, think before you ask - is it for something productive, or have you had enough screen time?
Parental controls we use: We monitor our online usage and location (Life360) - we do this through these ground rules and the common understanding that there are significant dangers online that we need to keep you safe from.
We use the following technology in our family:
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Apple Family
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Google Family Link
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Life360
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Microsoft Family Safety
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Epic Games Parental Controls
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Joey AI for online use and message monitory
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Note: we don't use a WiFi control
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We can lock the phone remotely anytime using Parental Controls.
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We review screen time regularly to see what's working and what needs adjusting. But asking for additional screen time is totally cool, that's why the request feature is there.
- No phones in bedrooms (including friends!)
Our rules:
- No phones in the bedroom overnight.
- If friends visit, their phones stay in the common area too.
- Bedrooms should be for sleep, not endless scrolling or late-night messaging. Why these rule matters: Screens in bedrooms = kids staying up too late, secretive social media use and unhealthy sleep patterns. Setting this rule early avoids battles later.
- Earning trust = more freedom Your digital freedom isn't automatic - it's something you earn.
Our rules:
- If you follow the rules, you earn more privacy and flexibility.
- If you break the rules, restrictions tighten until trust is rebuilt.
- You are responsible for: chores, homework, sports, piano practice and looking after the dog. You can use your phone after you get your work done.
Why these rules matter: Need to add soemthing here
- Social media: Limited and monitored
Our rules:
- Only Snapchat (monitored). *we are likely to ask Francis to remove Snapchat, mostly because the messaging on it is ridiculously silly... more on this later.
- No TikTok.
- New contacts must be approved by us -you can't just add random people.
Adding new friends?
- Tell us who they are.
- Be certain it's your real friend and not a fake account.
- If we think a contact is unsafe, they're gone.
Why these rules matter: Kids don't fully understand the risks of strangers online. Many predators disguise themselves as kids. We trust our kids, but we don't blindly trust people on the Internet.
- Digital conversations are required Online safety starts with open conversations. Discussing what's going on digitally in your world is a requirement. These discussions are education on the dangers that are online, how to navigate tricky situations, how to keep safe - and what to let us know about.
Our rules:
- You must talk to us about what's going on in your digital world. We will ask questions, you provide the answers.
- If something feels off, unsafe, or confusing, bring it to us - we won't judge, we'll help.
- We have regular check-ins about digital life just like we do about school or sports.
Why these rules matter: The more comfortable kids feel talking about online life, the safer they are. We don't want to hear about problems after they've spiralled. Don't ever assume we parents/guardians don't understand or can't help. We can always find a solution to any problem together.
- No personal information ever
Our rules:
Never share:
- Your full name, address, school, phone number or passwords.
- Any personal details that a stranger or criminal could use.
- Never send money or accept gifts online - tell us immediately if someone asks.
Why these rules matter: Identity theft, scams and online predators rely on kids being too trusting.
- Be careful who you hang with - online and offline You are going to meet so many great kids at school and sports. Some kids are going to seem really cool and exciting and friendships start easily. Not all of these kids are going to be good influences. We don't want you hanging with any cool, but troubled, kids. It's our job as parents/guardians to steer you away from kids that will lead to concerning situations.
Our rules:
- We will steer you away from bad influences-even if they seem 'cool'.
- Some kids may act nice in person but are reckless in group chats and gaming communities.
- If we say someone isn't a good friend for you, trust that we have a reason.
How to tell if a friend is a bad influence online:
- They send mean, risky or inappropriate messages.
- They encourage rule-breaking or secrecy.
- They pressure you to act differently online than in person.
Why these rules matter: Online peer pressure is just as dangerous as real-life peer pressure. Some kids may push boundaries in chats, gaming and social media in ways that lead to serious problems.
Final thoughts: Rules = freedom (if you follow them!) Rules aren't about controlling our kids-they're about guiding them into making good choices online.
What to remember: Trust is earned, not given. The phone is a privilege, not a right. We are here to help, not just to punish. The more responsibility you show, the more freedom you gain.
Would love to hear from other parents/guardians -what rules have worked in your home? Let's help each other navigate the digital world together.
