Parents of 10-14s ask a simple question: how would I even know if bullying is happening on my child's phone? It rarely starts with one awful message. It shows up as a run of small moments that add up, a name that sticks, a joke that travels, a new group without your child in it. The pattern is the clue, not the single text.
Bullying in group chats on iMessage or Snap, for example, often starts with the tone shifting first. The language gets sharp. "You're so d*mb lol" lands on a Monday, then again on Thursday, then again the week after. Sometimes the mistake becomes the joke. A screenshot of a typo spreads around, then reappears in the original thread. In groups it looks different: a sarcastic group name about one person, reaction storms that single a kid out, or a spin-off group made without the target - then the punchlines are brought back. You can also see quiet exclusion. Your child speaks and no one replies. That silence is part of the pattern. That's bullying in group chats, even when there's no single explosive moment.
Snap adds a layer that is tricky for parents because messages disappear. The pressure sits in streaks and private stories. A child is left out of one story and included in another where they are the butt of the joke. Screenshots get saved and reused later. Best-friends list politics can be used to isolate. Joey's analysis today is powered by platforms like iMessage and Snap because it's where our kids are hanging out, and your coaching has to follow them.
The research helps reset expectations. In Australia, more than one in two children aged 10 to 17 say they have been cyberbullied at some point, and just over a third say it happened in the last twelve months, that's according to the eSafety Commissioner's latest snapshot. Across countries, UNICEF found roughly one in three young people report being victims of online bullying. In the U.S., Pew reports nearly half of teens have experienced at least one cyberbullying behaviour, with offensive name-calling the most common. Over the last decade, the Cyberbullying Research Center's school studies show a steady rise in lifetime rates, from about one-third in 2016 to over half in 2025. That trend matters because parents often underestimate how common this is.
The forms are varied but familiar. Mean or hurtful comments. Rumours that move from one chat to another. Posts designed to embarrass. Intentional exclusion from a group chat. Repeated contact after a child said stop. Pew adds four patterns parents should know about as kids get older: receiving explicit images they did not ask for, physical threats, pestering about where they are and who they are with, and explicit images shared without consent. The most common across studies is still the basic one: offensive name-calling. Start by watching for that.
Here is how I handle it when Joey surfaces bullying signals. I read the Bullying Smary Alert summary, which means I am not scrolling through my kids phone reviewing thousands of messages. I open the How's My Child report to see tone and volume. Did a new contact appear? Is a single group responsible for most of the heat? Then I have a short check-in at a calm time. I ask how it felt to be in that chat, not who started it. We practise one line that sets a boundary -- something my child can actually send. We agree on what we will do if it happens again this week. If it continues, I report inside the app. If the platform does not act and it is serious, Australian families can report to eSafety. Save evidence where you can: screenshots or a quick screen recording, dates and times, and a note that you reported in the app first.
Report cyberbullying
eSafety can investigate serious cyberbullying of children when platforms fail to help. The form asks for proof and shows what to include. If there are threats, contact police.
Parents often ask what to say in the moment. I keep it simple and real:
- As we read Smart Alerts together, we often move to review the whole conversation: "What do you think about how this chat is going? Is it feeling ok with you?"
- "Do you think Kid A is trying to embarass Kid B, or do you think this is just ok teasing?"
- "If this happened in the room would it feel like teasing or like ganging up?"
- "Do you want my help replying or do you want me to just listen?"
- "Hey we both agree this isn't ok, what do you think we should do?"
I ask a lot of questions. Ultimately, I want my son to be learning these skills and get better at reading tone and what is going on. Is he a leader, or will he casually sit back? What role do we want our young boys and girls play as they develop into young men and women?
Francis says it often feels like a group thing, not one person. The silence after a message can sting as much as a bad line. What helps is when the first question is how it felt, not a lot of who did what. Practising one reply is useful. I want Francis to know that we are a team. In all my research interviewing kids and families, the biggest concern for me is that kids won't alert their parents. The single biggest reason they claim is this: 'I don't think my parents can help.' When I dig in, the kids explain that they don't believe their parents understand tech, or would understand what the kids are talking about. This is personally my biggest problem I am trying to bridge with my son: we are always a team and together we will get a better result. I can always help.
How Joey helps here is straightforward. Weekly iPhone and iMessage syncs surface patterns without reading every message. Bullying Smart Alerts highlight repeated put downs, exclusion language, and escalation. The How's My Child report makes the week easy to scan so you can coach and not chase every chat. Contact Verification helps you label new numbers and spot churn. Keep your coaching steady. Keep your child in the loop. That mix works.
Learn more: Smart Alerts and How's My Child report
Next up: Spotting risky contacts on iPhone
FAQ
My child says it is just a joke. What now?
Keep it about impact. Jokes are fun when both people laugh. Ask how it felt to get that message three times this week. Practise a boundary line. Save proof quietly in case you need it.
How do we save evidence if messages disappear?
We didn't plan this, but parents are telling us one benefit of Joey is that it helps them collect evidence of bullying which assists them in bringing issues up with fellow parents, or with the school. If nothing happens and it is serious, report to eSafety.
When do we involve the school?
If it is affecting relationships or safety at school, loop them in with the facts. Keep it short and calm. Share dates and screenshots, not opinions.
