Red alert messages: what they look like (and how they build)
Kid chats can get messy. They swear. They overreact. They say dumb stuff. If you try to police every spicy message, you'll burn out - and your kid will stop working with you.
What I actually care about is pattern + pressure.
Most concerning situations begin weeks or months back, starting innocuously, and then the pattern builds. This is why we built Joey to look for patterns over time, not just one message at a time.
The moments that matter aren't always obvious. Sometimes it's not the f-bomb. It can be the quiet message that corners a kid into secrecy, fear, shame, money, or something sexual.
And it doesn't matter whether it happens on iMessage, Snap, WhatsApp, or anything else. The platform changes. The pattern doesn't.
The red alert rule we teach
We keep this simple:
If a message includes threats, secrecy, money pressure, sexual requests, or personal info - it's a red alert. Screenshot it and show a parent. No one gets in trouble for asking for help.
That last sentence is the whole thing. Shame is what keeps kids quiet.
Here's the exact script we use:
"If someone is pressuring you, threatening you, or asking for photos/passwords/money - you don't have to handle that alone. Screenshot it, tell me, and we'll deal with it together. You won't get in trouble for asking for help."
How these situations actually build (the escalation ladder)
A lot of parent advice assumes danger looks like one obvious message. In practice, the scary situations often have the same shape:
Stage 1: Boundary testing (small digs, small lies, "just joking")
This is where the early signals are easiest to miss.
It looks like:
- mild name-calling that doesn't stop
- "jokes" that always land on the same kid
- a small lie spread quietly ("they said they don't like you")
- an embarrassing clip shared "for laughs"
None of this is automatically an emergency. But it's the start of a pattern: testing what your child will tolerate, and how alone they feel.
Stage 2: Isolation (secrecy + moving away from adults)
Once someone wants power, the next move is to reduce your child's options.
Lightly redacted examples:
- "don't tell your parents"
- "delete this chat"
- "move to a private app"
- "your parents will be so angry"
- "no one likes you anyway"
If someone is trying to isolate your child from you, it's not "friendship". It's a tactic.
Stage 3: Leverage (money, passwords, photos, personal info)
This is the stage that surprises parents because it can show up as "friend drama".
Examples:
- "what's your password?"
- "send your code"
- "turn your location on"
- "send me $10"
- "you'll be rewarded later"
- "send a pic"
Even if it's another kid: screenshots get shared. Accounts get hijacked. And leverage turns into pressure quickly.
Stage 4: Threats (doxx, violence, self-harm language, blackmail)
This is where the tone shifts to fear-based control.
Examples (redacted):
- "you're about to get d**xed"
- "I'm coming to your school"
- "k*** yourself"
- "if you don't..., I'll post it"
- "I have photos of you"
If someone is threatening to share an image to get money or more images, that's sextortion.
Stage 5: Pile-ons (group dynamics turn it into a sport)
This is the brutal part: it becomes public, repeated, and hard to escape.
Examples:
- group polls like "put your hand up if you hate ___"
- fake breakup texts sent for humiliation
- a group chat where one kid is the punching bag
- "everyone hates you / nobody likes you" repeated by multiple people
This is why one message is rarely the full story - the damage comes from repetition and social pressure.
The red-alert patterns (with realistic examples)
This section is intentionally blunt. Not because I want parents to panic - because I want you to recognise the shapes quickly.
1) Threats + intimidation
Red alert if you see:
- threats of violence ("I'll b***h you", "I'm coming to your school")
- doxx threats ("you're about to get d**xed")
- self-harm encouragement ("k*** yourself", "you'd be better off d**d")
Even when kids pretend it's a joke, threats change the risk profile.
2) Sexual pressure or image coercion
These don't always start explicit. They often start casual and then become pressure:
- "send a pic"
- "prove you like me"
- "don't tell anyone" + any sexual request
- "if you don't do what I say, I'll share that photo/video"
If threats involving images appear, treat it as serious. The goal is to reduce shame and bring adults in early.
3) "Keep this secret" + isolation tactics
Any version of:
- "don't tell your parents"
- "delete this"
- "move to another app"
- "no one likes you" / "you have no friends" / "you're a bad friend"
Social harm often looks like a campaign, not a single insult.
4) Hate and identity attacks
Racist slurs, homophobic attacks, "you're a m**key," "stop being gy," and so on. This isn't "kids being kids." It's targeted harm, and it escalates quickly in group chats.
5) Passwords, accounts, and "just send me your login"
Requests for:
- iCloud / Gmail / Instagram / Snapchat passwords
- verification codes
- "log in on my phone for a sec"
Our rule is simple: passwords are never shared - not even with friends. Call me paranoid, but we don't even share family passwords over messaging platforms.
6) Money pressure and "easy money"
Watch for:
- "send me money and you'll be rewarded"
- "everyone owes me ___"
- "donate/transfer" language
- "easy money / only a few know about this"
We aren't experts on this topic. The police are. But our household rule is: any time money comes up in messages, your radar goes onto alert mode. We treat it as "bring an adult in."
7) Drugs or selling
If you see:
- "open for business"
- pricing language ("$10 each")
- references to pills/vapes/percs (or coded product slang)
You don't need to decode the whole thing. You just need to recognise "this isn't normal kid chat."
What we do when we see a red alert message
I'm not trying to turn parents into detectives. I'm trying to give you something you'll actually do in real life.
Here's our default play:
1) Pause. Screenshot. Don't reply in the heat.
The first job is evidence. Messages disappear. Stories change. Screenshots don't.
2) Sit with your child and get context first
I start with:
"You're not in trouble. I'm glad you showed me."
Then I ask three questions:
- Who is this person, really?
- What do they want?
- How does it make you feel?
3) Decide the next move together
Sometimes it's:
- block the number / account
- report inside the app
- tighten settings (unknown senders, comms limits)
- or bring in the school (especially for peer harassment)
I'm not trying to win an argument with another kid. I'm trying to stop the pattern.
4) If it involves threats with images or blackmail: don't negotiate
No bargaining. No payments. No "please stop" spirals. Preserve evidence and escalate to the right adults.
5) If there are self-harm threats or immediate danger
As fellow parents, we hope this never happens in your family. We build Joey because we want earlier signals - but if it's already urgent, treat it as urgent.
If you're setting up a first iPhone
This article is the "how to recognise it" layer.
If you want the step-by-step iPhone setup (Screen Time basics, Communication Safety, unknown senders, and the red-flag patterns Joey can spot), start here:
/guides/secure-iphone-for-kids
Related reads
- Ground rules that stick: /articles/10/ground-rules-digital-rules-we-set-our-family
- A layered iPhone safety plan: /articles/31/technology-layers-that-secure-your-childs-iphone
- Unknown numbers and "new friend" texts: /articles/20/unknown-number-texts-imessage-what-to-teach
